The title of The Bidding War isn’t just a metaphor.

Michael Ross Albert’s new play has just opened at Crow’s Theatre with a big cast and big laughs.

The premise is so simple that it can’t miss. Buyers and agents are all squabbling and arguing at an open house that devolves into a fight over the property. Because everyone is there more or less for the same reason (seller, buyer, agent) we can jam a huge crowd and lots of exposition onto the stage for a remarkably short fast-moving play. It’s brilliant, hysterical, irresistible.

The Bidding War is the evil twin of Michael Healey’s The Master Plan, another Crow’s Theatre masterpiece critiquing Toronto’s pretensions. Where Master Plan functions from a distance showing us big ideas and big thinkers, Bidding War is a gritty study of greed seen up close. Never mind housing as a human need, it’s a commodity with Toronto’s NIMBY soul again proudly displayed. No I’m not proud but wow this is funny: because it’s so accurate. For long stretches of the show, almost every single line got laughs. I’m reminded of The Wedding Party also seen in Guloien Theatre a few years ago: another frenetic farce celebrating the worst instincts of humanity, every bit as funny.

Eleven characters (the seller, four agents and six prospective buyers) each make a claim on our attention if not our affections, given that for all the hilarity they are not terribly attractive people. Presented in the square space of Guloien Theatre we’re watching complex interactions and the audience response from the other side.

We first meet nervous Sam (played by Crow’s regular Peter Fernandes, seen in Fifteen Dogs and The Master Plan), the agent running the open house on behalf, or maybe in spite of June (Veronica Hortiguela), the seller of the house.

We will meet agents Patricia (played by Sophia Walker), Blayne (Aurora Browne) and Greg (Sergio Di Zio).

Of the six prospective buyers there are two couples.

Pregnant Lara (Amy Matysio) is married to Luke (Gregory Prest).

Ian (Steven Sutcliffe) & Donovan (Izad Etemadi) are also a couple.

Two other prospective buyers came alone, namely Miriam (Fiona Reid) and Charlie (Gregory Waters).

There are no bit parts or secondary roles in The Bidding War, a remarkable quality to Michael Ross Albert’s script. Everyone struts around self-importantly, behaving as though they are the most important person: which come to think of it is how people live their lives. Nobody is a bit player in their own life.

The script makes the job of Director Paolo Santalucia that much more difficult, given that we need to hear the lines, sometimes through the explosive laughter of the audience. He brings this War to a boil including moments both sexy and spine-tingling to confirm that real estate is a blood sport.

The physical choreography is very challenging, and likely will get better with every performance. I have to believe they’re having an enormous amount of fun doing this show.

We watch every human impulse play out before us.

We build to a stunning climax at the intermission. The last half hour to conclude feels like we are coming down from the high, sobering up after the wild party, trying to remember and understand what we lived through. In some respects it’s very classical as order and stability are reaffirmed in the aftermath.

I expect that just as good affordable homes are difficult to find, tickets to The Bidding War will be scarce, as word gets out on this superb show at Crow’s Theatre, running until at least December 15th.